Waitng @ Seatac

Its amazing how going through customs is not relaxing at all. Somehow I came out on the other end feeling a little like a being herded like cattle, shuffled through a small space. I felt nervous, like I had done something terrible and I just had to hide it from all the white uniforms in the room. I was embarrassed of my bottle of saline solution nicely displayed in a plastic baggy in my white bin. As if I actually had some sort of liquid explosive hidden there, or that I was about to stick my nasal spray up someone's nose and give a big squeeze to distract them while my accomplice slips some dynamite into a plane. Thankfully I'm not interested into public humiliation or senseless acts of violence.

After recovering from my dizzying experience with security, I caught my breath still feeling that I was in the way of hefty passengers hustling by me with their carry on. I met up with Christine, my sister, and her husband for breakfast and enjoyed French toast compliments of Nintendo. It was our last meal together while they live in Seattle, when I get back they'll be in San Francisco, their destination for today to look for housing. We tend to keep things pretty normal and our sadness or distress hidden away in commonality. As if our deep fears were really hidden behind talking about computer software, parks and the ambiances of the SeaTac Airport. But, really I wanted to say I'll miss you guys so much I can't feel it, but when I do it will be like falling down the stairs into an empty house full of memories. And in these few months we will be stepping forward into our lives, shouldering the weight of change and moving boxes.

Soon I will have lost all three siblings to California. A bit of salt in the wound. I have often imagined myself looking up at the sky opening my hands to the sky and shaking them yelling, “Why God? And California of all places? Must all the good people be exiled to Babylon?" This might be what my best friend would be evidence that I tend to exaggerate. Or maybe California is just a brighter place than here and attracts bright people. And it will be fun to tell Christine to be sure to wear flowers in her hair, if she's going to San Francisco. Up until this point I never imagined I would live so far from my sister, it had never occurred to me that she'd go somewhere where I wasn't able to tag along. But, I know God is taking them there, and that he is helping me remain behind. I know that this season of change will cost us all and it will be worth it.

For now, as I sit in front of this enormous window looking out on the birds flying by, the planes jetting into airspace, and the propellers spinning around and around, life is much more than bearable, it is quite pleasant from time to time. As long as little boys are innocent enough to approach strange women typing on their laptops, able to spin in circles and smile with three fingers in their mouths drooling profusely. Yes, this future and present grief cannot swallow us when there is still the simple imprint of God facing us so blatantly. My flight will take off in two hours and until then I guess I'll give in to this moment of being taken in to my surroundings in wordless noise, in the commonality of humans traveling.