Harmony WHAT?

"The trees, the birds , the rivers and winds:
These had no choice but to follow the Way.
Man alone is given choice;
Man alone can follow or go his own way.
If he follows the Way, he will suffer with the pain of the world,
But He will find the Original Harmony.
If he follows his own way, he will suffer only with himself,
And within him will be chaos." (Christ the Eternal Tao, by Heirmonk Damscene)

So, it sort of sucks but I totally relate with the second scenario a lot more than I do with the first one. Dammit! This morning I woke up to a sound, it wasn't birds chirping, or rain hitting my roof, it was that dreaded sound...my cell phone. I ignored it hoping it would somehow go away, then fifteen minutes later there the sound was again. It was times like that in which I'd like to be able to make things explode with my mind powers...but unfortunately that only happens in "Heroes". For some reason the ringing this morning made me feel very trapped and angry, and within me was chaos.
I got up finally and turned off my cell phone and then slept uneasily for an hour or so dreaming of bugs (that was gross). The rest of the morning I tried to sit silently and pray, but still chaos reigned in my heart. At some point I began to realize this wasn't going to change by itself, but still I felt helpless.
My roomate/mentoree/friend and I had a meeting though, a meeting a felt equally unequipped for. But, I did one thing right and that was pray to begin. I'm not totally sure what happened after that, but in my giving of myself and time to another person I felt the Holy Spirit come and inside me i felt good again. Then it wasn't about my abilities or preparedness, but about the Everlasting God doing his thing and I wasn't as worried sick after that.
Most of the time I don't know what it means to follow "the Way"(Yeshua) and not my own way, but I think it has something to do with trust and love, something to do with giving and caring, something to do with good things happening in unexpected places. For me specifically, it has something to do with giving up my tendency to only see myself and what I can do and asking for help whether I think I need it or not.

When She Believes

In addition to being the title of a great song by Ben Harper, "when she believes" is the theme of this entry. Perhaps it is because it is so difficult to really believe, to against practicality and rational knowledge face life with undeterred belief that this phrase has captured me. I've recently been reminded to read Song of Songs by a friend. At first I was a bit thrown off to be told to read such a book from the bible. I can barely understand most of the book to tell you the truth. But, I thought i'd give it a try so I read the first two chapters today and the thing that caught my attention was one phrase. The Beloved says to the Shulamite girl that her eyes are a doves eyes. I recalled someone telling me that this was symbolic because doves mate for life, they only have one partner their entire existence. So to say someone has eyes like a dove is to say that they are only looking at one person, their vision isn't double or double minded, it is singularly focused. I had to sort of catch myself as i realized that this sort of devotion is not a strong point of mine. Its difficult to invest my heart in one place with certiantly or with the kind of devotion that says- "I am sick with love". In fact I kind of abhor this sort of thing, even if i admire it in others, I find "sick with love" undesirable. If only because it scares the living daylights out of me. Maybe its that thinking about being consumed by love or by anything is not that attractive when i really thing about it. But, You know what, I really want to be free enough to be blinded by love for God's sake. Is that weird or what? It's not the love part that is as attractive as the devotion, and the freedom to be out of sorts if the occasion presented itself.
When I was in Hong Kong I watched some weird TV special about this girl who grew up playing the violin well (surprise, every Chinese parent's dream). But she said one thing that struck me as well, "Every one should take the time to love at least one thing." That kinda makes sense doesn't it? Ok not a direct quote but she said something a long the lines of that. So anyways hurray for Song of Songs.