The Maddness of Thanx and Giving

Its kinda funny how the hardest thing for me to give up these days is my independence. But, when it comes down to it, alone or with others, my desire for self actualization is just one of those side quests that gets you distracted from the real journey. So, this last week I was sort of kicking myself for inviting my boyfriend to my Mom's for an early Turkey day, at my Uncle's house. I sort of tricked myself into it I think subconsciously, because I am weird enough to have one of those real voices of reason on one shoulder and the voice of dissension on the other. The the voice of reason wasn't speaking up, she must of got stuck in a locker or something by the other one. Anyways, I started to really get nervous, not about his feelings, or my Mom not liking him...they get along fine, but I was mostly feeling a little vulnerable at the thought of inviting someone else in to my crazy world of big family and the random quaint hippie-esk messy place I call home. The biggest "R" I was feeling wasn't regret, or relief, but regurgitation. Why the nervousness? What's the big deal? For some reason, Eugene-home has been an uncharacteristically hard place for me to be for some time now. I had always thought, if this or that improved things would be different...I was always looking around feeling this wave of regret, and sadness about my family, and all the while having an annoying impatience for my mom, mixed with lots of spiritual funk. I've realized for some time now my short fuse is not my mom's problem but mine. Still, I felt powerless to change.
So, having another observer in my little world didn't seem appealing to me at all. At the same time, inviting him along also felt like a needed stresser to ensue change. It is a five hour drive from where I live to my mom's house, and I sort of was avoiding myself, and the little ladies on my shoulders, most of the drive until a song sung by my Brother-in-Law came on my iPod. "Keep me alive, I'll never die, My soul sits and waits." The instant I heard his voice over the speakers sing those words my little heart stopped in its tracks and sang along. I touched down in that moment long enough to cry out to God, knowing my soul was waiting for a change of heart.
That night the change came, it was like a little room in my soul had been cleared out and a window created in just the right spot so I could sit inside and safely see out. Its sort of a longer tale, but the short version is after everyone went to bed, I prayed a bit and read some scripture. Hans(My Boyfriend) and I had just prayed for a girl we met who seemed in a dark place and I'd felt peace about that. As I sat there on the rocking chair in front of the hearth I'd played in front of and put many stockings on, my spirit was awake and not afraid, I wanted to fight for the good things I saw in my home instead of laying down under sadness and despair, being mad about the way things are now. Instead, I felt light and hopeful. Honestly, its hard to describe to you the difference I felt, but it has been a long time struggle between hoping and giving up on hope. The biggest sign to me that something in me was changing or shifting at least is that my attitude towards my mom had changed, I actually was being helpful and communicating semi-normally. Sometimes, letting someone else into our most vulnerable of places is a precursor for God being let in too. And that is something this year I feel Thanx and Giving about .

Cellofono blues

It was a week ago today, a friday, that I had a sort of negative revelation, I was beginning to feel trapped into service...cellphone service. Starting to question why exactly I was dreading talking to other people because i didn't want them to ask me to do anything for them...i was tired and grouchy, and well, at the end of some kind of rope. In moments like that, I think it best to stick with the negative feelings till better ones arrive. The trapped feelings came and went over the next week, and were magnified partly because I got sick, and still am a little.
Wed. came around and i woke up wanting to not get up at all, feeling tired heavey sick and with no ounce of energy to face my day of facilitating youth group without really my consent. The day had been thrown on me and again, the trapped feelings were rearing their ugly trapped heads. I said, "Lord, I have nothing to give to this day...so help, please." And there was this song that popped into the screen of my tired brain, almost like my subconscious was resuming even after waking. "Making miracles is hard work, most people give up before they happen, maybe that's something, maybe that's something more than nothing. You stretch out across a long table and without hesitation you say "I'm willing able."" It was that last line really got me, so what if i wasn't asked if I was willing to take over youth group for the night, if i was willing to give of myself, If I felt my job was a worth while task, then that was something more than nothing. The reality is that sometimes shit happens and sometimes all at once. But, I'd rather be cleaning up shit in the house of God than chillin' with the wicked. Not that playing games with youth kids is even close to as gross or unjoyable as cleaning feces. In fact youth group is mostly fun, and also dang hard work. Especially when the frozen turkey bowling goes crazy and the pins(pop bottles) decide to get broken on you. Its a long story. But, this is all to say, life is better when you give yourself to the good work instead of becoming Brenda Robot Duty girl. You can insert your name there if you'd like.