Its kinda funny how the hardest thing for me to give up these days is my independence. But, when it comes down to it, alone or with others, my desire for self actualization is just one of those side quests that gets you distracted from the real journey. So, this last week I was sort of kicking myself for inviting my boyfriend to my Mom's for an early Turkey day, at my Uncle's house. I sort of tricked myself into it I think subconsciously, because I am weird enough to have one of those real voices of reason on one shoulder and the voice of dissension on the other. The the voice of reason wasn't speaking up, she must of got stuck in a locker or something by the other one. Anyways, I started to really get nervous, not about his feelings, or my Mom not liking him...they get along fine, but I was mostly feeling a little vulnerable at the thought of inviting someone else in to my crazy world of big family and the random quaint hippie-esk messy place I call home. The biggest "R" I was feeling wasn't regret, or relief, but regurgitation. Why the nervousness? What's the big deal? For some reason, Eugene-home has been an uncharacteristically hard place for me to be for some time now. I had always thought, if this or that improved things would be different...I was always looking around feeling this wave of regret, and sadness about my family, and all the while having an annoying impatience for my mom, mixed with lots of spiritual funk. I've realized for some time now my short fuse is not my mom's problem but mine. Still, I felt powerless to change.
So, having another observer in my little world didn't seem appealing to me at all. At the same time, inviting him along also felt like a needed stresser to ensue change. It is a five hour drive from where I live to my mom's house, and I sort of was avoiding myself, and the little ladies on my shoulders, most of the drive until a song sung by my Brother-in-Law came on my iPod. "Keep me alive, I'll never die, My soul sits and waits." The instant I heard his voice over the speakers sing those words my little heart stopped in its tracks and sang along. I touched down in that moment long enough to cry out to God, knowing my soul was waiting for a change of heart.
That night the change came, it was like a little room in my soul had been cleared out and a window created in just the right spot so I could sit inside and safely see out. Its sort of a longer tale, but the short version is after everyone went to bed, I prayed a bit and read some scripture. Hans(My Boyfriend) and I had just prayed for a girl we met who seemed in a dark place and I'd felt peace about that. As I sat there on the rocking chair in front of the hearth I'd played in front of and put many stockings on, my spirit was awake and not afraid, I wanted to fight for the good things I saw in my home instead of laying down under sadness and despair, being mad about the way things are now. Instead, I felt light and hopeful. Honestly, its hard to describe to you the difference I felt, but it has been a long time struggle between hoping and giving up on hope. The biggest sign to me that something in me was changing or shifting at least is that my attitude towards my mom had changed, I actually was being helpful and communicating semi-normally. Sometimes, letting someone else into our most vulnerable of places is a precursor for God being let in too. And that is something this year I feel Thanx and Giving about .
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