Harmony WHAT?

"The trees, the birds , the rivers and winds:
These had no choice but to follow the Way.
Man alone is given choice;
Man alone can follow or go his own way.
If he follows the Way, he will suffer with the pain of the world,
But He will find the Original Harmony.
If he follows his own way, he will suffer only with himself,
And within him will be chaos." (Christ the Eternal Tao, by Heirmonk Damscene)

So, it sort of sucks but I totally relate with the second scenario a lot more than I do with the first one. Dammit! This morning I woke up to a sound, it wasn't birds chirping, or rain hitting my roof, it was that dreaded sound...my cell phone. I ignored it hoping it would somehow go away, then fifteen minutes later there the sound was again. It was times like that in which I'd like to be able to make things explode with my mind powers...but unfortunately that only happens in "Heroes". For some reason the ringing this morning made me feel very trapped and angry, and within me was chaos.
I got up finally and turned off my cell phone and then slept uneasily for an hour or so dreaming of bugs (that was gross). The rest of the morning I tried to sit silently and pray, but still chaos reigned in my heart. At some point I began to realize this wasn't going to change by itself, but still I felt helpless.
My roomate/mentoree/friend and I had a meeting though, a meeting a felt equally unequipped for. But, I did one thing right and that was pray to begin. I'm not totally sure what happened after that, but in my giving of myself and time to another person I felt the Holy Spirit come and inside me i felt good again. Then it wasn't about my abilities or preparedness, but about the Everlasting God doing his thing and I wasn't as worried sick after that.
Most of the time I don't know what it means to follow "the Way"(Yeshua) and not my own way, but I think it has something to do with trust and love, something to do with giving and caring, something to do with good things happening in unexpected places. For me specifically, it has something to do with giving up my tendency to only see myself and what I can do and asking for help whether I think I need it or not.

When She Believes

In addition to being the title of a great song by Ben Harper, "when she believes" is the theme of this entry. Perhaps it is because it is so difficult to really believe, to against practicality and rational knowledge face life with undeterred belief that this phrase has captured me. I've recently been reminded to read Song of Songs by a friend. At first I was a bit thrown off to be told to read such a book from the bible. I can barely understand most of the book to tell you the truth. But, I thought i'd give it a try so I read the first two chapters today and the thing that caught my attention was one phrase. The Beloved says to the Shulamite girl that her eyes are a doves eyes. I recalled someone telling me that this was symbolic because doves mate for life, they only have one partner their entire existence. So to say someone has eyes like a dove is to say that they are only looking at one person, their vision isn't double or double minded, it is singularly focused. I had to sort of catch myself as i realized that this sort of devotion is not a strong point of mine. Its difficult to invest my heart in one place with certiantly or with the kind of devotion that says- "I am sick with love". In fact I kind of abhor this sort of thing, even if i admire it in others, I find "sick with love" undesirable. If only because it scares the living daylights out of me. Maybe its that thinking about being consumed by love or by anything is not that attractive when i really thing about it. But, You know what, I really want to be free enough to be blinded by love for God's sake. Is that weird or what? It's not the love part that is as attractive as the devotion, and the freedom to be out of sorts if the occasion presented itself.
When I was in Hong Kong I watched some weird TV special about this girl who grew up playing the violin well (surprise, every Chinese parent's dream). But she said one thing that struck me as well, "Every one should take the time to love at least one thing." That kinda makes sense doesn't it? Ok not a direct quote but she said something a long the lines of that. So anyways hurray for Song of Songs.

The Mid-Autumn Festival

Just before I left Hong Kong, there were these decorations that started to appear everywhere, a rabbit, some pink flowers, and lots of lanterns hanging about. I thought it felt exciting new, like seeing a Christmas tree for the first time, but to most people I'm sure it felt mundane the way we feel when you see turkeys every November. Tonight I was riding home from youth group a couple hours early, because I'm feeling a little under the weather, and I saw the reason for all the mid-autumn festival decorations, the huge moon above the horizon and the rabbit staring out at me. All of a sudden while humming down the dusty back roads of the reservation I was also in the bustling cramped city streets asking my cousin why there were rabbits everywhere. I was also thinking of all the kids in youth group, back there listening to today's lesson from Corey and I prayed they'd listen and have fun. The next few weeks it will be my turn and I thought as I often do, of what I'll say. But, more than what I hope to say, I really want to hope in the message I give, I want to give it with heart and spirit. The first talk I'll give is about getting free from "the hook" of temptation. As I felt the sun falling behind me and the moon was round in front of me, I felt a jump in my heart, a hope that we would be free from our junk. Somehow remembering that rabbit and the decorations in Hong Kong helped me fill up with something good, and it wasn't just nostalgia. Its just that Hong Kong often reminds me of how broken and scared I am, and at the same time how drastically and abundantly loved I am at the same time. Its a crazy world isn't it? A world with words like wurm and cacophony.

Back on Home Soil

When I first arrived back in the states, everyone seemed big and loud, I felt there was all the sudden and excess of space and an absence of noise. Waking up that first day in my little apartment in Toppenish Washington, I laid in my bed listening to the still late morning it was wonderful and disorienting. It took me a couple days to get back on my feet, and i must say returning home is much easier than arriving in a new world. It has suprised me how easily i can slip back into my normal way of speaking, living and doing. Still, I have changed and its hard to see how at times. I don't feel especially brave or learned, but there is a subtle change in my soul and way. Perhaps I've just grown up every so slightly.
Now that I've been back almost two weeks, I've been dreaming of Hong Kong. I had a dream that I was there and I was about to leave. So I took a walk with someone about the city one last time. The city was old and cobblestoned, very unlike the real Hong Kong, it was so beautiful and nostalgic that I cried and cried in the dream. I woke up feeling sad. But, I've returned to my little desert in the dry wilderness and am waiting and walking along. Hong Kong was like my Mt. Horeb, the place where the Israelites traveled to, to remember what Yehova spoke to their ancestors, a place they went to find Him themselves. And, indeed I did, I told a friend recently that one of the things I learned in Hong Kong was that I actually believe in God. This is because I met him there, and its good to know he really is omnipotent and present in all places.
Yakama is much as I left it, although the landscape of my life has changed and is continueing to change. In general I don't feel much prepared for my life, or for challenges ahead. Its kind of scary. Sometimes, in my moments of doubt I wonder if I should just go home and choose and easier life, one that others understand, a job that pays more and requires less of me. But, then God reminds me that I can trust Him, and that even if I am scared without the answers, he will still provide for me if I ask. His love is real, and so is He. It is good to be back on my home soil.

Two Days left ando9 I've skipped a lot

The last few days have felt like a whirlwind, there is so much I'm experiencing in such a short amount of time. Looking my last at certian places I just want to take it all in and make lots of memories that will last. Today I rode my last time on the Kowloon MTR line, the green one. And I like this ride a lot because the subway lifts its head out of the dark for about five or six stops so you can see the buildings and scenery around. There are more mountians and places not developed on the Kowloon side, in general there is much more space because...obviously its on the mainland and not part of Hong Kong isalnd. Kowloon is basically the city across the bay from Hong Kong and is part of Hong Kong's Specail Administrative Region in China. The SAR extends even further into what is called the New Territories as well. I like looking out and seeing all the buildings some look shabby on the outside, like they are just slowly curroding, there are even ones with big green plants sprouting out of their cracks. In most windows there is laundry hanging. There are always lots of billboards and advertisments too, this I find semi annoying but it ads to the artistic qualities of the city in a way, some of them are quite creative. I also finished my last class today, "American Slang". It was fun actually, and then made my way down ShawKeiWan road for the last time I'm sure for at least a couple years. I've gotten used to all the sights of that road that I walk Monday thru Friday, all the same shops and hawkers, the trollies humming and clanking down the middle of the road, and the traffic zooming by. I went to a baker I've grown to like, and got some dan taut (egg tarts) and bo lo bow (pinapple bun) and a mango juice box...all for eight HK dollars...which equals about a dollar US. I will miss the bakeries and the yum cha (dim sum) and the very yummy japanese desserts. There is a little store on the corner where my office building is, two of my student's parents own this shop full of household items. I'll miss everything cramped together, the dingy alleys and hidden black market shops. If it's possible even, I'll miss the nasty smells that at first were so poignant but now quite muted actually. Unless of course, I walk by a Chinese medicine cafe...then I always wrinkle my nose...those herbal chinese drinks, although very good for you, smell and taste horrible. It is sort of a saying I think that the worse a medicine tastes the better it is for you. I've been running around saying my good byes and having last dinners, giving and recieving gifts. Mostly, trying to say thank you and show gratitude to all the ppl who have made my stay wonderful and who have given me lots of care. Maybe its a Chinese thing, but there is sort of an idea that you are indebted to the older ppl that take care of you, and if you don't give something in return some balance is out of wack. I didn't realize I think that way until now, but I actually do. When its unhealthy I think ppl just try to save face and not look bad, when it's healthy ppl genuinly want to show gratitude and give to others. Hopefully I fall into the latter category, but honestly sometimes its a thin line.
My students at the kindergarden are precious, I'll miss their little faces giggling at me and looking up with such fresh curiosity. At the Shun On Kindergarden, I feel like a celebrety of sorts. Most of my time is spent looking nice and greeting kids and parents as they drop of their little bundles of joy. Most kids come in and the outgoing ones say Jo sun (good morning) to everyone: the cleaning/cooking ladies, the secretaries, the teachers, the principal, my grandma (the owner), me (Miss Brenda) etc. You sort of nod your head to everyone and bow a little, but not like in Japan where you really bow. its more like a nod, but the kids bow sometimes and so does Pau Pau (grandma). There is one little boy who comes in every day crying for his mom, and usually he doesn't stop for a while, its comical. Pau pau is soo cute, she touches the little kids faces and makes them say "Good morning Miss Brenda" to me or " Good morning Missy" or " Missy Jo Sun". When I shake their hands or look at the kids, they sort of squeal or laugh, and get really excited. Lots of times I'll walk down the hall and a little girl or boy will just yell "Good morning miss Brenda" or just "Miss Brenda" and then wave. How cute are they? HOnestly I don't do much in class accept read cards and get them to point at objects and say their english name. We sing songs and do little hand motions, its quite fun actually. They asked me to stay the whole year, but that seems a little much. I don't know how I'd do that at this point, although I do feel I'm just getting used to life here and wouldn't mind staying longer. I'm not frightend of HK anymore, and I feel more like an HK person these days accept that in general I'll nevery quite fit in which is a strange thing to know. But, I don't feel sad or bad about that, it is just the way things are in HK and in the US too, no chinese born person will ever feel totally accepted as an American because their look, same with me.
I do want to come back, but this expereince feels like a once in a lifetime thing, at least the living here for two months part. I may never get that chance again. And it has been a dream fulfilled, although I don't know what all the fruit of this expereince will be. Its like two years ago during the winder time, sitting in my apartment in Toppenish I prayed and asked God if it was possible for me to come here that he would make a way, and well he has. Its harder for ppl in HK to come visit me and that makes me sad, stupid exchange rate!!! The ticket alone to the US, is some HK ppl's months wage and its also my months wage around a thousand US dollars. This feels like a stream of lots of thoughts..and it is. But, that is the reality of me at the moment. Soon I'll be plunging back into my life in the US, and hopefully I'll take it easy so I don't get too stressed and forget all I've learned over the summer about taking time for solitude and the presence of God. When I'm not boxed in like i am here, sometimes I just run all over the place like a chicken with its head cut off. But, I hope i won't do that. I hope I'll be trusting and not get caught up again in all my strivings.
I skipped a lot of events, including the second part of my trip to China and a butt load of other stuff, perhaps I will catch up on some of that stuff later. For now bu bye.

Macau: Where have all the Taxis gone

This is a two installment entry because I took a little trip across the bay to Macau and then crossed the border from there into China. The Macau part is called "Where have all the Dicsees (Taxis) gone" because that was the main theme of our experience expecially on the first day. For some reason the small Island of Macau is home to 400,000 thousand people, a small number compared to HK's 7 mil. This formere Porteguese colony is like HK's euro-latin cousin. It seems that Macau is made up mostly of blue collar workers and has resently begun to import professionals and investors from overseas. Including American investors who have begun to build enourmous casinos that attract an influx of tourists from Hong Kong, China and all over the world. What this has meant for the local people, is that most young people try to work at the casinos because they pay the most money, leaving the local establisments at a loss. This perhaps is not that unlike the situations in Reservations where young people can usually only get jobs at the Casino or none. The investment in tourist industries has also meant that there is a sort of jetlag in the accomidation of transportation to meet the teeming swarms of visitors who have no idea where they are. This is why, a group of Hong Kong natives got lost in Macau, who are perhaps so used to a Taxi on every street corner and buses to everywhere. We spent most of the first day getting lost, but we found, after asking many strangers, a bus to a little shopping street. It was on one of the islands of Macau called Taipa, a portugese word that I think means "boy street" or something to do with a boy because the chinese character was boy on the sign. We ate at this littel portugese resturant...but I didn't eat anything but rolls. I had gastrocitis or something...honestly don't ask me what it means the doctor said that word and I asked, what does that mean. After five minutes of my cousin trying to tell me what it meant, I still was at a loss. Something to do with bad food and grease and my intestines. Anyways the cure is no eating anything but plain foods for two to three days. Unfortunately those three days were spent in Macau and Zhong San. I liked the euro-latin mix with chinese feel, it was fun to hear latin music and see chinese people. There are amazingly cute buidings, it really felt like Europe in some places, although I've never really been there.
After eating we went to the down town central square, which was gorgeous in the evening, with all the lights. All the streets were cobbled and many were black and white cobbles. The buildings were sweet. I took many pictures. There are these really old churches, that have huge flat colomed fronts with amazing doors. One had a yellow outside and green doors. Everthing looked like something out of a movie to me, with coulpes and old ladies sitting on the steps of beautiful buildings. We went up to see the ruins of an old church that had burnt down just leaving the front slab which is held up by steel bars. It is called "the ruins of St. Augustine's Church" I think. My little cousins and their friend Jordon, who is one of my students, bought some sparklers and we lit them by the ruins. I felt like a little kid, I haven't played with a sparkler since... I was 15 or something. It was fun to play. But, I was ever reminded that I'm usually thrown in with the kids even though I'm not. When I'm with family here everyone treats me like a BB...that is how they pronounce "Baby". After a while it gets sort of wearisome, although i'm grateful its nice to sometimes feel you can give something and are responsible enough to feed, clothe and wash yourself. Or maybe I just like being capable.
After that, yes we had a late night, we tried to find our way home and got lost again. but, this time it was kind of fun, it started to rain. And again, this was a down pour. the city was even prettier in the rain, with all the streets and signs blurred and glossy. With the rain making puddles and reflections coming down all over our maps and heads. Macau that evening was one of my favorite times on the trip, especially when it rained. We found sanctuary in a Casino and on the side of the casino. It took us over an hour to get to the house we stayed at, we were tired and foot sore, I was cranky. But, it was a good long day afterall.

ChrisDean

My big sis, just started a blog of her own, and her's is cooler looking than mine...Dang. Oh well, I might have to admit that Dean(Christine) has better taste in general than I do. I've been thinking of my big sis lately because she's just moved to San Mateo, California which has been a subject that I've thought much about here in HK. We each, deal with the distance in different ways, but we actually don't talk about it much with each other. Possibly because we know exactly what the other is really thinking, but not saying. This confirmed by our blogs, probably. Hehe. She, is shocked that I cannot follow here there, and I equally am stalled by the reality.
My Grandmother Leola, my mum's mum, once told me that she had always dreamed that her children would not just be siblings but that they'd actually be friends. Grandma reminds me a lot of Christine, some of her qualities skipped my mum like a river rock and hit Dean on the head. Not that my mum is not like either of them. I am not sure what it is, maybe just the mannerisms, and faith, maybe both of them are quiet firey women, who you can build things around because they will almost always be steady and tell you the truth. At the same time, you never want to dissapoint them, because they are matriarchs. My sister, being a pre-matriarch as she doesn't have kids yet. I realized a while back that my Dean is a rare lily. Gentle and kind as a kitten, sometimes overlooked, but a scary angry cat when she's cranky, or when protecting people she loves. Ha, I think Clint (her husband) likened her to a cat when I asked him about it for a game I did at her bridal shower.
Right now, it feels as if we both are being pushed to let each other go in some way. Being pushed out of the comfort of the companionship we've enjoyed for the last 24 years. No matter where we went, whether with mum, or dad, we were together. Even when she lived in Seattle and I in Yakama, we usually visited family together when we went. But, now it'll be me in the NW and her and the rest of my siblings in SoCal. Like my brother said, I guess we will see if we follow God's will together, although we are apart. He also said that he thinks we are given certian times to be with certian people. And it seems that that is true too. We don't know where the wind is going, or where it comes from, it moves on its own. So this is for my Dean, perhaps it is hard because God is distracting us while he grows something beautiful and precious in our midsts.